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After over a decade of trying to figure this out, I still don't know
my reasons. What I do know is I'm not the only woman out there who has
felt like this. Many women have trouble using the "h" word;
others get depressed after their weddings; some begin to feel cagey; and
then there are those who keep losing their wedding rings. No, these women
aren't mad, nor are they unloving. It's just that adjusting to the idea
of being married can be as hard for some women as the day-to-day exchanges
of marriage.
If that comes as a surprise, you'll also be interested to know that the
confusion can appear the moment you finish your vows, and can reappear
sporadically at various times throughout your first few married years.
Fortunately, it's usually nothing to worry about. Furthermore, it can
be helped with the following marriage-strengthening tips:
· Acknowledge your crazy feelings. Chances are your new spouse
is going through an adjustment period of his own. Talking about your feelings
will give you both a chance to feel closer and offer you a sense of relief.
· Talk to your married friends and relatives about their newlywed
experiences. Hearing what other women have gone through can give you a
sense of perspective about your own feelings.
· Make an effort to spend regular time together. It's easy for
newlyweds to slip into a whirlwind of socializing with friends, work and
other obligations.
· Set boundaries early on in the relationship. His mother expects
you to visit every single Sunday? Your best (single) friend still calls
you at 1:00 a.m. to rehash her dates? While your families and friends
are important, your first priorities are now each other. Find a kind way
to tell your mother-in-law that Sundays are "couple time" and
explain to your friend that her middle-of-the-night calls pull you away
from your warm bed--and your new husband.
· Be honest about how much "together time" and how much
"me time" you both need.
It's easy, early on in the marriage, to give up nights out with girlfriends,
or solo-Saturdays at the movies. If you're someone who needs some time
away from your partner, speak up! Better to be honest than to become restricted
by (and resentful of) your new roles.
When Something's Wrong
It's common to feel confused early on in your marriage - it's both your
brains and your heart's way of adapting to wedded life. However, any disconcerting
emotions you experience may signal something more serious. If you develop
any of the following behaviours, see a professional therapist:
* Uncontrollable crying, especially if you find weeping is a daily occurrence.
* Feelings of depression.
* The inability to be honest with your partner about your feelings or,
for that matter, anything else.
* Discomfort with your situation or with your partner.
* Feeling misunderstood or belittled by your partner.
* Feeling trapped, stuck, or unable to work toward goals that you had
been excited about before your marriage.
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